Archive for the ‘Humour’ Category
Our new phone system …
Everyone gets chain email … this is one I received recently. An oldie but a goodie:
Thank you for calling *insert name here* Co. Please listen carefully as our options have changed.
- If you MUST submit a proposal to your client within 20 minutes, but have neglected to obtain a transportation rate,
even though this has been on your desk for six months, please press 1.
- If your shipment required an inside, two-man delivery to the eighth floor of an office building which had no freight elevator,
and you do not understand why you were billed extra for this service, please press 2.
- If you would like us to contact US Customs on your behalf and tell them they do not have the right to impede your business by
holding your freight for examination, please press 3.
- If you work at Dunkin Donuts and you would like to explore the possibility of importing small plastic toys from China which
you can in turn sell on e-Bay, please press 4.
- If you require a quotation, please have your pieces, weight, dimensions, commodity, origin and destination available
before speaking with a representative. Please be more specific than “Europe” or “Asia” when referring to origins and
destinations. Please note that a “bunch” of “parts” does not constitute quantities and commodities.
- If you are exporting more than half a million dollars’ worth of merchandise to your client in Germany, and have never heard
of a commercial invoice, please press 5.
- If you have been advised by our export personnel that your shipment of hand grenades is not only hazardous material, but
also requires an export license, and you would like to speak to a manager about the fact that in ten years of shipping hand
grenades (otherwise known as a “bunch of parts”) you’ve never had to do that before, please press 6.
- To question the legitimacy of “dimensional weight”, please press 7.
- If you would like to know the Customs regulations for every port in the world, please press 8.
- If you can tell us absolutely nothing about your commodity and would like us to properly classify it because “that’s what
you hired US for”, please press 9.
- If you’ve hired your South American customer’s cousin in Miami to ship your goods, and would like us to call him and
offer free advice on how to do this, please press 10.
- If your letter of credit expires at noon tomorrow, and you’re still waiting for some of the product to arrive at your office,
please press 11.
- To claim that another airline can ship your product for half of what we quoted and try to get us to lower our price because
you really want to use us, please press 12.
- If you wish to scream and curse at our personnel because a carrier bumped your freight, please press 13 to curse at import
personnel, 14 to curse at export personnel.
- If you ship 50 to 75 kilos of freight with us per year and you’d like us to DROP EVERYTHING to give your shipment top priority,
please press 15.
- If you told us your shipment weighs 150 lbs, and would like to dispute the reweight of your 12 pallets of hammers, please
press 16.
- If your shipment was damaged and you refused insurance in writing prior to departure, please press 17 to declare that
you’re going to sue us.
- If Customs has had your shipment on hold for two weeks and you’d like to go “talk some sense into them”, please press 18
for directions to their facility.
- If you have a very urgent shipment that must be cleared right away, but do not have any documentation, nor any Master Bill
or House Bill tracking information, please press 19.
- If you are a truck driver seeking directions to our warehouse, and you have already called three times, please hang up and
go buy a map.
- If you are just in a foul mood and need to yell at SOMEBODY, please press zero, for “Big Mike”, our receptionist.
Thank you again for calling *insert name here* Co. and have a pleasant day.
